new

the work on panel (shown in previous post) is very close to doing as much as i can do with the process and general approach i've set for myself. i can't get past the fact that this is still not enough to really connect with people. i think, fundamentally, this work is about my fears. it's what inspired the vine imagery (fear of entanglement), a sense of distant light (a goal to be reached), and the general sense of isolation (that one's pretty clear). in an attempt to make the work less dismal, i wanted to introduce color, which i think worked pretty well in the lithographs i made, but not so well in my early panel paintings. lately, i've veered more towards neutral, and i think the results are better, but my feeling is that i've gone as far as i'd hoped to get with these. i've reflected on my fears with this work, hoping all the while that the process will somehow help me to get past my fears, and it just might well have. at least the self-generated ones, which have been the most crippling and senseless ones.

a few months ago i committed myself to making 40 paintings on panel based on vine imagery and emphasizing directness of process. They were intended to be minimal, yet somehow i wanted to introduce some sense of humor, careful not to venture into self-parody. i think the latest few i did accomplished these things, but despite this apparent success, they seemed inaccessible. there was something important about this, i thought, and i believe that it is this inaccessibility that is at the root of my fears. fear of not being understood. fear of what would happen if i ever were understood (would i just become commonplace?). i then realized that this fear led nowhere, that i could do nothing with it. at this point i decided that whatever the reality is, i cannot do this to myself. i can't let myself be paralyzed by this fear. and then i realized that i had reached the end of this work. a premature end to my 40 paintings.

i think this work was important for me to make, even if i'm bringing it to an abrupt halt, which i promised myself i wouldn't do. it is a bridge, nearly five years in the making, between being a student and a professional artist. i reflected on my self-doubt, my worries, and my hopelessness for the future (of both humanity and myself), and then today i realized that my reflection on these things was an endless cycle. it would never change. it's a realization i needed to make to get myself out of the cycle.